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Literature
Scoundrels and Liberators Ch12
Yuki inhaled sharply as the dragon walked in.
He seemed impossibly large to her. The thick, silver-gray armor, long, swaying tail, and enormous wings. His broad shoulders and tree-thick legs and steely expression. It felt like the colossal boardroom had been built just to accommodate his gargantuan size.
But it wasn't his imposing physique that terrified her. It was the weight of his betrayal.
She remembered sobbing for breath, tears running down her soot-stained face as she desperately tried to climb out of the rubble of her own home.
She remembered the grip of a strong, scaled hand, the cries of pain as chunks of brick tore her sides as she was pulled out.
She remembered the dragon's face, creased with worry as he asked her if she was okay. The blur of activity as she was driven to the hospital. The buzz of the media, the click of cameras and questions being hurled at her. She remembered cowering under the sheets until the hospital staff shooed everyone away.
She remembered peeking o
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Literature
Scoundrels and Liberators Ch11
*WHUNK*
Dragomir slammed the trunk closed, glancing back at the small mountain of weaponry still sitting behind him. He grinned somewhat sheepishly to the feline standing beside him. "Sorry, Ogy. I stuffed everything I could in there."
"That's a pity. I suppose we'll have to leave everything else behind, then." The cat stifled a laugh at the look of horror on the big Luminari's face. "Just put them in the car, we'll find somewhere to stow them." He glanced around the garage, making sure his team was in order. Yuki was standing by, and he knew Ashley was already in the car. Dragomir was now frantically trying to find room around his seat for the various boxes and enormous weapons he had accumulated during their visit, which left...
"Hey, where'd Keys go?"
"He said he was looking for Ty for last-minute information. Though it looks like he's coming back now." Yuki pointed towards the smaller Luminari, who was weaving his way through the maze of vehicles and machines, a somewhat dejected l
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Literature
Scoundrels and Liberators Ch10
Click.
Ty squinted and held a paw up in front of his face, shielding his eyes against the blinding light. He winced as the light grew brighter for a second, then dimmed. He could hear another click - a switch being flipped, and the light turned back off.
The fox rolled over, then yelped as he ran out of bed. There was a crash as he pulled the sheets with him, tangling himself up. There was a derisive snort in the background as the former general dug himself out of the mess, tearing the sheets in the process before leaping back to his feet, scanning the room.
He had been moved to one of the smaller rooms in the medical wing. There were a few other beds and numerous boxes of supplies, most stashed haphazardly in the corners. His eyes narrowed as they fell upon the only other figure in the room.
"Keys?"
"Good to see that Ougyoku managed to resist knocking the rest of your sense out of you." The Luminari seated himself on the bed opposite Ty, crossing his arms. Ty glanced tow
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Literature
Scoundrels and Liberators, Ch9
The door burst open, the knob slamming into the wall so hard that it left an imprint.
The young general stormed into the room, fury written into his features. His nostrils puffed steam into the air, and his tail lashed wildly, practically tearing out of his pants as he pointed a shaking finger at his target.
"You!"
The man turned. His expression was one of boredom, as if the armed general was a nuisance. "What do you want?"
"You gave them the order. You were the one who sent the trucks in."
"And what if I did?" The manager was a thin, lithe feline, his features suggesting something of tiger ancestry. He crossed his arms and glanced at the clock. He had a meeting to get to.
"The whole thing was a setup. You waited until the entire place was gone before you contacted us. Those were your machines, weren't they!?"
The businessman sighed. "Congratulations, you've unraveled a vast conspiracy and its spymaster. You've put two and two together and found the result. Are you proud of yourself
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Literature
Scoundrels and Liberators, Ch8
Yuki closed the last zipper of her duffel bag, then tossed it onto the stack.
She looked around the room. Dragomir looked nowhere close to done on his own stockpile of weaponry, and Ougyoku was busy selecting outfits for the trip. "I dunno, I kinda like the gold. It's a bit flashy, sure, but think of the sorts that hang out at some of the downtown casinos. I'd fit right in!"
"Considering your penchant for attention, that seems counterproductive." Ashley snorted.
"Oh, right, I forgot! I'll save this for the upper-class. Thanks!"
"Do you just enjoy being contrary?" The fox cast a look of disbelief at him.
"Of course! We're outlaws, its our job to be contrary! They wouldn't be so desperate to kill us if we weren't!"
"Or you could keep nice and quiet and they wouldn't..." The fox mumbled.
"Yes, but where's the fun in that? It's a free shot of adrenaline every day! 'Good morning, world! I could die at any second today, so let's keep that blood pumping, would you kindly?' And t
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Literature
Scoundrels and liberators, Ch7
Andrometus was not pleased.
The silver dragon towered over the remaining leaders of his forces. Though two were physically imposing; one, a seven-foot falcon with a grim expression and talons that were reputed to tear through steel, and the other, a hulking black wolf with biceps as big as his head and enough weaponry to rival Slaris, neither were nearly as impressive as the dragon at the end of the table.
Andrometus was enormous; his head nearly touched the ceiling of the narrow room. From the tip of his sharp horns to the edge of the menacing talons at the end of his feet, he stood eight and a half feet tall. His long, spaded tail slowly swayed behind him, the tip occasionally threatening to gouge holes in the wall. His fury was only evident in his tail's steady movements. When he spoke, his voice was level.
"So."
Those seated before him glanced at one another, none too eager to meet his steely gaze.
"A set of documents containing delicate information was stolen from our Anchorwest l
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Literature
Scoundrels and Liberators, Ch6
Dusk was on the horizon. The sun was beginning to sink in the sky, turning the ordinary azure into a cascade of gorgeous purples and yellows, oranges and reds intermixing to make a painting of color. A vein of blood-red ran through through the tapestry.
Slaris reached through his window and squeezed, imagining his claws snapping the imagined vein in half. Crunch. That's what it would sound like. No toying with his prey this time. One simple crack, and Sylvir's neck would be snapped in half, his broken body sliding to the ground.
And Ougyoku, for that matter. He cursed the cat's seemingly endless luck. He had originally intended to use the unconscious Luminari to his advantage, reviving him later and pumping him for information in case the cat and his cronies had managed to flee. But the feline had escaped once again...and, to boot, had sent the snake running for his own life. He grimaced, withdrawing and running a claw down the long line of dried blood across his face.
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Literature
Scoundrels and Liberators, Ch5
The loudspeaker crackled for a few moments as a thin, reedy voice came through.
"Tyraeil Liat. Age sixty-one. He served in the government military for twenty-six years, eventually being promoted to the rank of general. Two stars. He served fifteen of his years in that position before retiring and disappearing into obscurity. On the underworld front..." There was a shuffling of papers on the other end of the loudspeaker. "...reports say that he opened up an illegal arms operation and has been running it since then. Government tolerates him because they know that a scandal would damage their already-poor reputation. Has...dozens of contacts and friends throughout several cities. Obviously, he would access to army equipment, thus why the airlift out of there..."
"Which of the group does he have contact with?" Slaris interrupted, clutching a large cotton swab to his ruined eye. His body felt like it was on fire from the pain. Half of his face was bandaged up, covering the deep gouge the kn
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Literature
Scoundrels and Liberators, Ch4
"Fifty seconds."
Ougyoku trembled, staring at the device in his hands.
His mind worked madly as time ticked down in his mind. Each second was a thunderclap in his brain as he tried to work out a solution.
They were unarmed. He and Yuki had left their weapons back at the car, knowing that the hospital would have confiscated them anyway. Keys was alive and well, but he, too, was unarmed. He knew full well that Slaris had no reason to keep his word; he was holding all of their weaponry, their getaway vehicle, and one of their teammates. One step outside and he would be cut to ribbons.
Which means Dragomir has to die.
The thought filled him with revulsion. He would have jumped outside and been cut down at once if he knew it would have saved his teammate. But his death would mean nothing. Even if Keys and Yuki got away, Dragomir would still die. And the thought of what Yuki would do without him...
"Thirty seconds!"
Something! There has to be something!
There wasn't. Every plan
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Literature
Scoundrels and Liberators, Ch3
Keys opened his eyes.
The orbs flickered as they looked from one side of the area of the room to the other. Everything was fuzzy and blurred; he could barely make out the graffiti-scrawled brick, the discarded soda cans and newspapers.
And blood. There was so much blood.
He held up his hands dumbly, wincing. Something in his left arm hurt terribly, preventing him from lifting that one. He saw his right arm; the skin was sliced wide open, and he was bleeding profusely. He looked down; his clothing was drenched. His body was wracked with pain; his lungs felt like they were on fire as his heart jackhammered in his chest. He reached down with his one good arm and tried to push himself to his feet. A huge scaled fist seemed to come out of nowhere, catching him on the side of his jaw. He skidded backwards, forced flat on his back. A whimper of pain escaped his lips as a huge figure towered over him. Its tail lashed wildly as its eyes gleamed with malice. A familiar forked tongue slid in and
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Literature
Scoundrels and Liberators, Ch2
Crunch.
A single polished boot crushed one of the shards of window pane broken by gunfire. The boot's owner ground the glass underneath him into powder, his only show of rage.
Incompetence.
He turned to his 'soldiers'; five guards had survived the shootout. Four were on bent knee; three were visibly trembling as their boss surveyed them. His face was expressionless, though his displeasure was obvious. The fifth henchman had offered an elaborate lie; a disgruntled customer had returned after being thrown out and had thrown a bomb. In the confusion, a shootout had occurred, resulting in the destruction that had happened.
His body lay amongst the others, now.
"So." His voice was flat. He saw a collective shiver amongst his henchmen.
"A few individuals broke into my office, stole hundreds of documents belonging to our corporation, destroyed thirty-six million in casino equipment and an additional eight million in banknotes from our cash office. In addition, they somehow manag
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Literature
Scoundrels and Liberators, Ch1
Ougyoku glanced up at the structure, visibly impressed.
The building in front of him was a towering obelisk made of what appeared to be black glass. It sported an enormous glowing neon sign that read 'ANCHORWEST CASINO'. Underneath were numerous advertisements for particular slot machines, tables, and shows; a few, wholesome comedy, and the rest...not so much. The strange cat-creature pushed through the entryway, cheerily nodding as he brushed past the entrance guards. Each nodded curtly, then scowled as he headed away. He grinned to himself, keenly aware as to how strange he looked.
Ougyoku was an unusual mixture of catlike creatures; the average layman would look over his tawny fur and numerous spots and nod, content with the cheetah they had just seen. More astute observers, however, would notice the too-large ears of a serval and lighter spots on his chest. Strangest of all, however, were the neat slits cut into his coat. Ougyoku possessed a pair of feathery wings. They appeared mu
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deviantID

LunarKeys
Keys
United States
'No, really?', you retort. I know, I know. For the six or seven regular readers, the story has ground to a halt. It was right when it was getting good, too! I could offer any number of the common excuses. 'I've been busy', 'I've been plagued by various diseases over the past few months', or 'I just don't feel inspired', but the real reasons are that I don't have answers to a number of problems.

1: The story needs a major rewrite.

One of the biggest pieces of critique I've gotten is 'Everything feels rushed'. Guilty! I originally rushed the story because I didn't want to fall into the anime or webcomic trap. So, so many of each will frequently put in filler in order to prolong the storyline, and I didn't want to write out unnecessary details or backstory information that the readers were not interested in. Thus, I took off running and never thought to slow down. As a result, some things felt a little out of place. When Keys got blown up in the second chapter, it felt a little...forced that Ougyoku would be as upset as he was. Heck, we barely knew the guy, why would it be that big a deal? The backstory also felt rushed and put in for the sake of...well, being shoved in. Sure, they were tragic and tugged at your heartstrings, but it felt like some of them were given just for the sake of drama. A good backstory can be hinted at or drawn out before the whole story comes out - the stuff I did just felt forced.

Also, as :iconmarycapaldi: likes to point out, there are numerous grammar issues that plague the story. The environment descriptions could be better, the action scenes could be better described (chapter six in general just looks awful, the firefight could've been so much better), and...yeah, the list of problems goes on. I decided a while ago that I just needed to start earlier - roughly six chapters earlier, when Ougyoku first decided to start his campaign against the corporations. That way, I can tell the story a bit more slowly, explain things more, and build up rapport for the characters instead of just inferring 'don't worry, they've been great friends for some time now'.

The problem is, of course, actually getting off my lazy butt and doing that.

2: The main two characters need to be redone.

Fortunately, I can keep the personalities intact, but Ougyoku and Yuki are to be no more. I had a discussion with the people who own the characters and sadly, we came to the conclusion that things work a little too awkwardly. Thus, I need to rewrite the characters with new names and appearances, and for some reason, this has plagued me more than just about anything else. I mean...'Ogy' was just such a neat nickname, and Yuki rolls off the tongue so nicely. What do you replace them with?

3: Why are the luminari in there?

Sure, Keys and Dragomir are okay enough characters. But exactly what do they gain from being luminari, again? They could just as easily be dolphins or sharks or something, and the story would lose nothing. It doesn't help that they're the only invented species in the entire book, which makes their inclusion even more awkward. Sure, they might be interesting and impressive and the characters might be lovable (or at least Dragomir was, Keys seemed less popular), but again, why do they have to be luminari? It feels like I'm including the luminari just because I'm so darned fond of them instead of some sort of important reason.

Of course, it may turn out that most of the people reading the story just don't care, and want me to get back to writing about stuff blowing up. And cocky one-liners. And their favorites just being awesome. I have no idea!

Comments


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:iconwimpikid333:
Wimpikid333 Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Uhhh, Lunarkeys do you mind if I use your TF character in a story I'm writing alongside catmonkShiro's TF artwork? I promise to credit you in each chapter
Reply
:iconjoeltheswedishdragon:
Should thank you long time ago for the llama badge. ^_^;
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:iconwhiskey-lullaby:
whiskey-lullaby Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2009
I love your character Keys design :XD: it's so darned adorable :XD:
Reply
:iconmarycapaldi:
MaryCapaldi Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2009  Professional General Artist
:iconiluplz:
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:iconmarycapaldi:
MaryCapaldi Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2008  Professional General Artist
You are in big trouble, mister! :shakefist:
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:iconmarycapaldi:
MaryCapaldi Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2008  Professional General Artist
DO SOMETHING WITH THIS ACCOUNT NOW OR I WILL SEND YOU A LIVE TARANTULA. :noes:
Reply
:iconlunarkeys:
LunarKeys Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2008
Posting a reply to avoid getting sent a live tarantula.

Whoo loopholes!
Reply
:iconmarycapaldi:
MaryCapaldi Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2008  Professional General Artist
...:cries:
Reply
:iconmarycapaldi:
MaryCapaldi Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2008  Professional General Artist
So soon, now... :giggle: You've already come in my dreams, you know. Now I must simply wait for you to stick around for daylight.
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:iconfireboy224:
fireboy224 Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2008
HEllo :D
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